Today I did a 4.5 mile hike

The title doesn’t make it sound impressive, but to me, it’s huge! 

I used to love walking, I could spend hours a day after school or university just walking. It was my escape, it brought me out of my bad moods. But as my mental illness took for of a strong hold on me, the less I walked. 

Today showed me that I am capable of moving and being an active person. My legs don’t ache, I got out of breath but I always recovered quickly and most importantly, it made me proud of myself. 

I’m taking back control, I’m taking back the things I loved that BPD took away from me. If I can get back my energy for walking, what else can I achieve? It’s one small step for mankind, one massive leap for my recovery. 

Let me be angry about it for a bit

 

At work, my boss asked those I worked with to review my performance in my first 3 months, so I knew how I was doing and how I could do even better. On the whole, it was great feedback. But one person had to rain on my parade.

They said I was reluctant to take on new tasks and listed the day I was iffy to join them out leaflet dropping. Yes, I was reluctant to do the flyer drop, but that was because I was given 30 minutes notice that I was required for the flyer drop, which started at 10 am. I had already had a meeting planned for 10 am, but I luckily managed to contact them and push the meeting back to start at 11 am, we then didn’t leave the office for until 10:45, 15 minutes before my meeting was due to start. Was anything of this included in the review? Do bears shit in the woods?

They mentioned the day that it was suggested that I spent the day in their office as they were off that day and other members of the team were busy potentially leaving the office empty during business hours. I completely understand this, however, I have a different job role to them, work in several different areas, have several different types of meeting for several different projects. I declined as I had already planned my week, and booked in meetings to take place within the other areas as they were closest to the people I was meeting. Yet, on my review, they put down that I said I needed to spend the whole day in the other office printing! Now I am young and new to this whole office job thing, but even I know that is a stupid reason NOT to spend the day in their office, nor was it the reason I gave them when I told them I couldn’t cover the office on that day!

I am angry because I try so hard not let people into my life that I know have the potential to hurt, betray and reject me and so far it has kept me from being hurt. But this was just like being dumped by the boyfriend who I opted to stay with even after he cheated on me and got a girl pregnant. It made me feel worthless, pathetic, angry, and anxious. It was the reason I wrote a resignation letter out at 3 am when their words kept cycling around my head. Their words, their lies were the reason I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time and it would be better off if I was dead. I am angry because they took the one thing in my life that felt like I was doing right, the one thing I never doubted, and until I read their words, work was the one thing that made it feel like my Borderline Personality Disorder didn’t rule every aspect of my life. Their words triggered me into a suicidal, self-loathing cycle that felt like there was only¬†one way out. I can confirm, after having my medication upped and seeking help from a crisis line I am no longer struggling but the anger rages on. They trigger my BPD tendencies to affect how I saw the job that I love, it triggered me, however briefly, to fall out of love with the job and allow the BPD thought the process to dominate and try to risk the amazing opportunity this job offers me.

 

Sleep is your friend

‘A good nights sleep will help with your symptoms’

‘Sleep is good for you’

I used to be terrible with my sleep, staying up until 4am, then getting up at 7/8am for University. I thought that’s just who I was, I accepted that I lived in a constant state of exhaustion, and I accepted the emotional exhaustion that with the physical exhaustion.

Now I force myself to get into bed, make a caffeine free tea and read a book. It could be the meds I’m on that have stopped the extreme mood swings, but getting enough, and enough decent sleep certainly does help. I never thought I would be that type of girl, I won’t lie, I’m still a night owl at heart and don’t enjoy going to bed early, and once the weekend hits I’m up until 2am and sleeping all morning. But it’s so much better than the extremely emotionally unstable alternative I was experiencing before.

Tea: Twinnings Salted Carmel Green Tea – certainly gets my approval and I’m not a green tea fan!

Book: only just started, it’s good so far but won’t comment just yet!