Have you seen my motivation? I seem to have misplaced it again.

TRIGGER WARNING: I am going to be talking about my recent decline in my mental health,  this includes self-harm and self-destructive behaviours. I understand this might not be suitable for everyone and with that in mind, feel free to stop reading if you need to.  I mean no harm.

 

It has been about six weeks since my last post, and while I keep trying to remind myself to post something new, I have not been able to summon the motivation required. I think it was the first sign I was struggling, I just woke up one morning and my motivation was in short supply and what motivation I did have, I used on trying to get through the working day. Getting home and writing a blog post was the last thing I wanted to do, especially when you are still expected to function at work.

The beauty of my medication I take to manage my Borderline Personality Disorder means that it softens the moods, it takes the edge off the depression. I can still manage, and let’s face it, not keeping on top of writing blog posts isn’t the end of the world. Turns out though, you actually have to keep taking those little white pills daily to keep them working. But Tyler, are you really that stupid? Everyone knows you have to keep taking them! I am, in fact, not that stupid (though, the levels of my stupidity is a widely debated topic). Not long after I miss placed my motivation to write blogs posts, I misplaced my motivation to take my tablets, and well let’s just say its all been down hill since. Here is a list of the symptoms of BPD that have got worse since I stopped taking my tablets:

  • extreme emotional sensitivity – I cried at a man driving a pink car because I couldn’t decide if he was brave for smashing gender stereotypes, or if he was embarrassed at having to drive his wife’s car
  • extreme mood swings/emotional instability –  I’ll be dancing in my underwear to the Spice Girls, then hit a metaphorical brick wall and within seconds will lie on my bedroom floor, cry my eyes out  while listening to Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On on repeat
  • Oversleeping – damn work, getting in the way of my need to sleep 20 hours a day
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Self harm – tonight was the first night in nearly 3 months I gave into the urges to cut
  • Loss of appetite
  • No longer want sex 
  • Paranoia of loved ones dying
  • Compulson to clean everything, several times
  • Fear of Rejection/Fearing no one likes me enough to be my friend anymore

All I need is a kick up the backside, someone to shake some sense into me and START TAKING THOSE PILLS AGAIN. But my god is that not only hard to it, it is bloody complicated too!

Right now I am depressed, and I have just ruined my cut free thigh by self harming, I know I am in a bad place right this second, and getting up, getting a glass of water, and taking my tablets uses more effort and energy than I am willing to use right now. But come tomorrow, when I have the energy and the motivation to take the tablets, my brain won’t let me because I am happy, I am fine, I am on top of the fucking world and I was just overacting when I self-harmed and I won’t do it again because I am fine now. When you are in one mood, it is only too easy to forget the other mood exists.

Come on Tyler, you seem to know right this second you should take your tablets, so just take them. Eh…

  1. I haven’t got the energy to leave my bed, go downstairs, get a glass of water, come back upstairs, take the two and a half tablets I am supposed to take.
  2. Part of me likes the side effects that come with the withdrawal. I make me feel a physical aspect to my poorly brain and emotions and that makes me feel valid and justified to say I am mentally ill, people can see it! (Not a logical reason in the slightest, but shh, mental illnesses aren’t logical)
  3. I don’t want to get better really, I can’t really see a point anymore, I am going to have to struggle for the rest of my life anyway, and taking those tablets just make me feel like I’m ignoring it and hoping it will go away, but it won’t!
  4. And lastly – if the mental health service doesn’t care as to why I haven’t attended any of the 6 workshops I was supposed to attend on managing my illness because I was far too tired and just needed to sleep, am I actually that ill? Am I well enough that red flags don’t flash on their system when I don’t attend things, and if that is the case, then does that mean I am well enough not to take my tablets?

Let me be angry about it for a bit

 

At work, my boss asked those I worked with to review my performance in my first 3 months, so I knew how I was doing and how I could do even better. On the whole, it was great feedback. But one person had to rain on my parade.

They said I was reluctant to take on new tasks and listed the day I was iffy to join them out leaflet dropping. Yes, I was reluctant to do the flyer drop, but that was because I was given 30 minutes notice that I was required for the flyer drop, which started at 10 am. I had already had a meeting planned for 10 am, but I luckily managed to contact them and push the meeting back to start at 11 am, we then didn’t leave the office for until 10:45, 15 minutes before my meeting was due to start. Was anything of this included in the review? Do bears shit in the woods?

They mentioned the day that it was suggested that I spent the day in their office as they were off that day and other members of the team were busy potentially leaving the office empty during business hours. I completely understand this, however, I have a different job role to them, work in several different areas, have several different types of meeting for several different projects. I declined as I had already planned my week, and booked in meetings to take place within the other areas as they were closest to the people I was meeting. Yet, on my review, they put down that I said I needed to spend the whole day in the other office printing! Now I am young and new to this whole office job thing, but even I know that is a stupid reason NOT to spend the day in their office, nor was it the reason I gave them when I told them I couldn’t cover the office on that day!

I am angry because I try so hard not let people into my life that I know have the potential to hurt, betray and reject me and so far it has kept me from being hurt. But this was just like being dumped by the boyfriend who I opted to stay with even after he cheated on me and got a girl pregnant. It made me feel worthless, pathetic, angry, and anxious. It was the reason I wrote a resignation letter out at 3 am when their words kept cycling around my head. Their words, their lies were the reason I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time and it would be better off if I was dead. I am angry because they took the one thing in my life that felt like I was doing right, the one thing I never doubted, and until I read their words, work was the one thing that made it feel like my Borderline Personality Disorder didn’t rule every aspect of my life. Their words triggered me into a suicidal, self-loathing cycle that felt like there was only one way out. I can confirm, after having my medication upped and seeking help from a crisis line I am no longer struggling but the anger rages on. They trigger my BPD tendencies to affect how I saw the job that I love, it triggered me, however briefly, to fall out of love with the job and allow the BPD thought the process to dominate and try to risk the amazing opportunity this job offers me.

 

Sleep is your friend

‘A good nights sleep will help with your symptoms’

‘Sleep is good for you’

I used to be terrible with my sleep, staying up until 4am, then getting up at 7/8am for University. I thought that’s just who I was, I accepted that I lived in a constant state of exhaustion, and I accepted the emotional exhaustion that with the physical exhaustion.

Now I force myself to get into bed, make a caffeine free tea and read a book. It could be the meds I’m on that have stopped the extreme mood swings, but getting enough, and enough decent sleep certainly does help. I never thought I would be that type of girl, I won’t lie, I’m still a night owl at heart and don’t enjoy going to bed early, and once the weekend hits I’m up until 2am and sleeping all morning. But it’s so much better than the extremely emotionally unstable alternative I was experiencing before.

Tea: Twinnings Salted Carmel Green Tea – certainly gets my approval and I’m not a green tea fan!

Book: only just started, it’s good so far but won’t comment just yet!