Have you seen my motivation? I seem to have misplaced it again.

TRIGGER WARNING: I am going to be talking about my recent decline in my mental health,  this includes self-harm and self-destructive behaviours. I understand this might not be suitable for everyone and with that in mind, feel free to stop reading if you need to.  I mean no harm.

 

It has been about six weeks since my last post, and while I keep trying to remind myself to post something new, I have not been able to summon the motivation required. I think it was the first sign I was struggling, I just woke up one morning and my motivation was in short supply and what motivation I did have, I used on trying to get through the working day. Getting home and writing a blog post was the last thing I wanted to do, especially when you are still expected to function at work.

The beauty of my medication I take to manage my Borderline Personality Disorder means that it softens the moods, it takes the edge off the depression. I can still manage, and let’s face it, not keeping on top of writing blog posts isn’t the end of the world. Turns out though, you actually have to keep taking those little white pills daily to keep them working. But Tyler, are you really that stupid? Everyone knows you have to keep taking them! I am, in fact, not that stupid (though, the levels of my stupidity is a widely debated topic). Not long after I miss placed my motivation to write blogs posts, I misplaced my motivation to take my tablets, and well let’s just say its all been down hill since. Here is a list of the symptoms of BPD that have got worse since I stopped taking my tablets:

  • extreme emotional sensitivity – I cried at a man driving a pink car because I couldn’t decide if he was brave for smashing gender stereotypes, or if he was embarrassed at having to drive his wife’s car
  • extreme mood swings/emotional instability –  I’ll be dancing in my underwear to the Spice Girls, then hit a metaphorical brick wall and within seconds will lie on my bedroom floor, cry my eyes out  while listening to Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On on repeat
  • Oversleeping – damn work, getting in the way of my need to sleep 20 hours a day
  • Suicidal thoughts
  • Self harm – tonight was the first night in nearly 3 months I gave into the urges to cut
  • Loss of appetite
  • No longer want sex 
  • Paranoia of loved ones dying
  • Compulson to clean everything, several times
  • Fear of Rejection/Fearing no one likes me enough to be my friend anymore

All I need is a kick up the backside, someone to shake some sense into me and START TAKING THOSE PILLS AGAIN. But my god is that not only hard to it, it is bloody complicated too!

Right now I am depressed, and I have just ruined my cut free thigh by self harming, I know I am in a bad place right this second, and getting up, getting a glass of water, and taking my tablets uses more effort and energy than I am willing to use right now. But come tomorrow, when I have the energy and the motivation to take the tablets, my brain won’t let me because I am happy, I am fine, I am on top of the fucking world and I was just overacting when I self-harmed and I won’t do it again because I am fine now. When you are in one mood, it is only too easy to forget the other mood exists.

Come on Tyler, you seem to know right this second you should take your tablets, so just take them. Eh…

  1. I haven’t got the energy to leave my bed, go downstairs, get a glass of water, come back upstairs, take the two and a half tablets I am supposed to take.
  2. Part of me likes the side effects that come with the withdrawal. I make me feel a physical aspect to my poorly brain and emotions and that makes me feel valid and justified to say I am mentally ill, people can see it! (Not a logical reason in the slightest, but shh, mental illnesses aren’t logical)
  3. I don’t want to get better really, I can’t really see a point anymore, I am going to have to struggle for the rest of my life anyway, and taking those tablets just make me feel like I’m ignoring it and hoping it will go away, but it won’t!
  4. And lastly – if the mental health service doesn’t care as to why I haven’t attended any of the 6 workshops I was supposed to attend on managing my illness because I was far too tired and just needed to sleep, am I actually that ill? Am I well enough that red flags don’t flash on their system when I don’t attend things, and if that is the case, then does that mean I am well enough not to take my tablets?

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